June 15th, 2009 - 1 day post Sandan

Yesterday I took my Sandan exam, and it went swimmingly. After it was done, but whilst watching the two Shodan exams, Sensei caught my eye and gave me a thumbs up. An interesting vote of support, followed later by Seymore Sensei giving me a resounding confirmation of my performance. She usually has numerous criticisms, this time it was a simple affirmation of an excellent test. Robinson Sensei affirmed her assessment. I clearly demonstrated what they wanted to see, and my dojo-mates all felt I was calm, in full control and very precise, yet flowing.

Both Senseis expressed their observation that my Aikido is better than I give myself credit for, so I am set with a task of understanding that, embodying it. Also I seek to become an expert in the ushiro and ryokata techniques.

Today then, I feel a little high about the whole thing. I have quietly slipped past the barrier and into the realm of the 'big boys.'

Nine years ago I set my sight on this level, and now I have reached it. And I earned it, it was not bestowed. I had not intended on 4th dan, but I might just set my sights on it...

Honesty

I have been deeply concerned with bodily honesty over the past few months. In the practice of Aikido, a martial art from Japan developed by Morihei Ueshiba, the attacker's attack is the cause for the defender's response. While a broadly painted (and largely debatable) description, it should suffice for now. For those unfamiliar with it, think of it as being kind of like Judo.

Honesty, in this context, is the genuineness of the attack. It need not be angry, nor even fast, but it must be committed. It must be fearless, it must be forgetful of the future. It must be the surrendering of one's personal concerns to the art of Aikido. Perhaps the level of yielding to the art must be higher in the attack than it is in the technique.

And yet, as I practiced with a fellow sensei on new years eve, I felt how uniform his response was to my attacks whether they were honest, absent minded, or downright dishonest. The attack did not matter. So fixed I had become on trying to get decent attacks from others I had forgotten to work with what I had been given. My friend had reminded me through his movement.

It's always tempting to immediately draw parallels with conflicts in daily life and conflicts in Aikido, and to be sure these parallels are instructive, but at times they mask the fact that you do not really grasp the concept in Aikido well enough.

It is also tempting to draw out gnostic teaching and philosophy to daily life before you really get the experience of realization, of Awakening. It is tempting to profess the teachings. The words of sages in the mouths of those who do not yet 'get it' are still wise, still valuable, but they are, strangely, counterfeit . The resonance of the sages words are at odds with that of the unrealized speaker, and in some strange alchemy, they lose their sweetness.

It matters what grapes you use to make wine. It matters the vats and barrels and storage and temperature and yeast and manner of creation. How should we view the recitation of the divine when it is so difficult to craft a fine bottle of wine? Yet, it does not suit us to not explore, espouse, experiment nor explore the divine.

So, a hundred times a hundred, the attack is not pure, not true. A hundred times a hundred the words of the divine are decanted into vessels unable to retain the glory. Yet the hundred times a hundred are the necessary preconditions to the manifestation of honesty.

Bone Demon Valley

When Leaders appear, Sages disappear.
– various, chinese, from mystic sources

The paraphrase that heads this post has an interesting truth hidden in it … Seeking leadership creates the leader.

The leader arises not because he has the intrinsic quality of leadership, but because his abilities to lead match with those who desire leadership. In a very real sense he does not exist as a leader until his flock locates him and invests him with their support. His appearance is a manifestation of our desires, our concerns and our ideas. This is not to say he did not exist before, but that his role as leader exists because of those seeking to be led.

A leader is a manifestation of our own willingness to be led and becomes a repository of those personal powers we have yielded to him. He is a leader only because of the relationship between the two: leader and led.

A Sage is a sage because he has wisdom derived from experience and understanding. He is a sage when alone, a sage when surrounded by others. He is a sage even when he has a following. While he may lead, he has no need to respond to the energies that create a leader, as his position is independent of the creative force of others.

The paraphrase is not, obviously, literal. The election of a US President does not suddenly make a Tibetan Lama disappear — at least I hope not. It is, however, a functional description. When you read a really good novel or short story, the world around you disappears. Your focus is such, your mindstream is such, your emotions are such that the outside reality fades away. Reading would not be possible if it were not so. Focusing on leadership, yearning for ‘good’ leaders, complaining about those we have, and essentially all of these behaviours focus your attention such that the sage, who may very well be sitting next to you on the bus, vanishes.

More to the point, if you seek a leader from fear, fear will elect the leader. If you seek leadership through bigotry and suspicion these will be the critereon of selection. If the ends are more important than the means, you will select people of corruption, for corruption arises when the means are unimportant.

To abstract the paraphrase up a level: When you seek for solutions in the external, yielding your personal power to the outside, you sacrifice the internal voice, the internal wisdom. You deepen the problems because the best you can manifest are the contents of your fears. You displace decision making beyond your sphere and lose control and enhance the power of the fearsome and troubling you see around you.

Mu’id

Structure

A good brother pointed out that books such as the bible can provide structure, moral imperatives and explications. Wonderful, for these structures exist in all religions. They give those who choose them guides to how to respond in crisis situations.

But, are you satisfied with the rules? Do you follow them and still find yourself asleep?

Structure is not awakening, it is not liberation, not mystic realization.

Structure has its place, but a life lived by structure is not a mystic’s life.

If you choose a mystic’s way, and it is not an easy way, you cannot live a life of shall/shall not. Love your rules, if you like; abandon them if you wish to live the mystics way.

You must choose.

Is structure god enough? Is constrained freedom the reason you want to enter the great desert? Did you feel the empty spot in your heart only to fill it with rules? When you meet with the divine, will you recount how virtue filled your life, or will you fall into the beloved’s arms, weeping with joy to be in his arms? Will you quote a scripture to defend yourself, or will you wash his face with your tears?

I am a theologian, it is among my many interests, but I cannot, and do not, turn to theology to assuage the fears by which we are all beset. I draw about me the direct perception of the divine. I follow the way of my dervish bretheren and take up company with the sufi of all time. Measured by structure, measured by rules, measured by a point of view informed by any traditional scripture, I may very well be seen as a lost soul.

Lost though I may be, I dance in the cold sorrow of life. Sinful as I am, I wash my masters feet with my joyful tears. As I bound through the temple with my head bare, giggling with gratitude, I certainly do not have the decorum of a saint. My wildness comes from a soul enslaved to the divine. My freedom comes from the cell the divine assigns me. My liberation comes from the burdens I am blessed with.

This is my water, and it gives life. Squeeze your rules, your scripture, if it gives you water, it gives you life, drink deeply. When I write these missives, I am seeking to strike a resonant tone. I am trying through anecdote, example, idea to reach into your heart and find our common ground. Do you know this land? Can you move from rules and ritual to delight and joy? Do you know spontaneous serenity?

All that glitters

Recently I received an email that noted similarities between myself and a fairly prolific metaphysical writer. Indeed, there were some overlaps as well as differences. I might do well to point up commonalities as well as some differences. This is a very dense topic, so, by necessity, this post will be broad rather than well pointed.

Firstly, mysticism is not about UFOs, unicorns, magic, psychic phenomenon or controlling the weather.

Its a way that holds as its only raison d’etre the realization of our direct connection with the divine, by whatever name one chooses to call it.

Moral imperitives in mysticism come directly from the realization of that connection.

To a mystic, the miraculous is no different from the mundane. The mundane is elevated by the mystic realization to the level of the miraculous. All realms of perception and action are encompassed by the Awakening.

By extension, psychic phenomena are within the scope of the mystic experience, and quite common, but not particularly of interest. Where a psychic ability is in accord with one’s path, wonderful. A skill such as healing should be used, but should be no more important than the ability to cook a nice meal. They are equal in value.

The sense that one maybe or is the embodiment of a past historical figure: Jesus, Napolean, Cleopatra, is not at all strange - as I’ve noted in a much earlier post on this site. Nor is the in-dwelling of a divine resonance. I’m honored to know, and have as a friend, a manifestation of a hindu deity. From the mystic view, this is all quite normal. To be fair, there are those who are not experiencing this in-dwelling, but are convinced that they are. Watch the try-outs for American Idol to see what delusional thinking looks like.

The mystic realizes the divine. This realization does not make him special. It brings with it no special authority, but it does bring special responsibilities. The Awakening reveals our inter-connectedness, and it broadens the scope and import of one’s activities. While every action carries with itself seeds that grow, mature and bear fruit, the actions of a mystic effect others in a greater way than one might realize. The expanded self/no-self of Awakening resonates upon the seemingly distinct lives of others. Contrary to the mindset of some spiritualists, there is no seeking of powers, no desire, and in an absolute sense, no ability, to control others. The lives of others are impacted by the real structure of the universe; the mystic acts, in a manner of speaking, as a signal amplifier.

The Ledge

There are times when all of us feel that we are clinging to a ledge. We know we cannot let go of what we are holding so tightly to or we will fall, and in falling, we will be dashed upon the rocks.

It is why I think climbing trees is such a wonderful thing for children, for they learn to cling, but more importantly, when dangling from the lowest branch and looking down to the ground, they must overcome their fear of the last two feet and drop to the ground.

Hanging there, looking at those last two feet, the four foot tall child sees a drop of six feet. Their center of self, their head, would travel six feet, were it going to the ground. Given the perception of a six foot drop, it makes a good deal of sense to worry about dropping from the branch. The fear is real, and reasonably prudent, but it fits not the reality of the situation, but the perception of it.

So here we are, caught up in perceptions of reality that do not match with the reality that surrounds us. We are afraid, and the fear causes us to cling ever more tightly to the ledge. A huge amount of energy is being expended to hold on to our ledge, and the greater our fear, the more we cling. The more we cling, the greater the energy used, the weaker we become and the more tenuous the grip.

Except there is no ledge, for we are fearing a drop that is only in our minds. We are perceiving what is not there, and we are expending all our energies to do it.

This is the root truth of anxiety and stress: Our feet our on the ground but we insist that we are dangling above space. We may hear this from friends, teachers, clerics, written works, a thousand times, and we will deny it one thousand and one times. Here is the solution: Let go. No fancy techniques, no deep meditations, no chanting, no faith. Open your eyes, look around, expand your perspective to match reality, and let go.

——————————–
Balaram’s comment:
Well, you almost completely had me until you said…NO CHANTING! NO FAITH! For you to write with such conviction shows me that you have faith; Yes, faith in yourself. I sense that you do have faith in yourself, otherwise you couldn’t have written such a well constructed piece. Regarding the chanting part; I love chanting!!! For me, a life without chanting would take away one of my most blissful activities. We all absorb what we can, when we can, if we can, and I honestly believe that a man of your spiritual insight can understand…what I’m trying to say. Incidentally, I’ve always admired the wisdom of the Sufi as well as the deceptive simplicity of Zen. I thank you for your feedback and I look forward to more. Tag! You’re it!, Balaram
——————————–
My reply:
Chanting is one of the sublime practices, and can place one directly in the presence. The problem with anxiety is that the chanting is applied as antidote. Whilst one is chanting, peace, bliss, union is experienced, the anxiety is quelled. When one suffering anxiety stops the chanting, the anxiety returns.

Because anxiety is a problem of view, of perception, of orientation; the chanting becomes not a harmonization and exultation with the divine, but a blind momentarily imposed. It becomes the object of the problematic view, rather than a tool that removes veils of illusion.

In most mystic systems, the first steps on the path are physical and cognitive:
For example, in Buddhism there are eight limbs.
Note the first two are cognitive transformations, the next three are physio-cognitive bridges.

Wisdom (Sanskrit: prajñā, Pāli: paññā)
1. Right view
2. Right intention
Ethical conduct (Sanskrit: śīla, Pāli: sīla)
3. Right speech
4. Right action
5. Right livelihood
Mental discipline (Sanskrit and Pāli: samādhi)
6. Right effort
7. Right mindfulness
8. Right concentration
(from Wikipedia [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Noble_Eightfold_Path])

When dealing with anxiety, most people who seek cure through meditational practices start with the meditation - falsely believing their illness is a lack of peace, when in fact their illness is a false view of reality. Meditation, in fact, is not for the purpose of “getting some peace” but to help forge a being who is the very embodiment of serenity.

The post was written to address the state of anxiety and the route to its removal, not to disengage people from chanting! Among the sufi there is a central practice, wazifa; recalling the 99 names of Allah (see http://wahiduddin.net/words/wazifa.htm). It brings one into direct realation with the divine, and I wholeheartedly recommend it.

Among most buddhist sects, chanting is a central practice. Sound is divine, chanting is a magnificent expression of divinity!

With my love,

Mu’îd ibn al Nûr

The Creation of Space

(A reply to a friend)

I’ve a good friend, a little less than a decade younger than I, who has become an opiate junkie. He is not particularly smart, a talented but unrealized photographer, but not much else. Even his photography is not quite enough for him. Most his jobs have been meaningless - dishwasher, stock clerk, help center operator. His family has always been dismissive of him. They have never
understood him, nor have they really tried to understand him. Since he did not fit their mold, he was discarded. When he first became my friend he was a greasy haired teenager, and over time, he became in effect my nephew. I have his high school tassel; an honored gift from him. Without our support he would never have finished high school. He has met the world through avoidance.

Some part of him has always been aware that the meaning of life is chosen, not inherent. He has a keen understanding that, in the starkest terms, there is nothing to live for, but equally, nothing to die for. So this weekend he is on a men’s retreat, a kind gift from a friend of his family. I hope it gives him a reason to live, for without it, there is no reason to get off the heroin, or oxys or other opiates he has been addicted to. I don’t care if he becomes a raving right winger, or an
islamist willing to blow himself up. I don’t care if the retreat is full of poorly constructed psycho-babble. I care that it give him a light, any light, beyond the dream state of his addiction. I was actually frightened of him a week ago, for he appeared at the door, stoned out of his head. He looked every bit the part of a homeless junkie - dirty, confused, erratic. He is not yet homeless, but I saw the future in that moment, and I was afraid. Here was someone I loved
destroyed by his own lack of personal meaning. The best he could hope for was the next push - and the broken promises that he would get clean. I see so many people of faith: muslim, christian, jew, buddhist, mormon who cling to the shell of their faith. The legalistic observance of
their chosen beliefs. It is the lifeline that keeps them from facing the question of meaning. It provides them answers, packaged and pat.

But it does keep them from the fate faced by my nephew. It takes such uncommon courage just to live, to be filled with a deeply religious agnosticism. I cannot say that the reality I have seen is truth. I can say that it is true for me, and I hope to share that to whomever will benefit from it. I say, cherish the rigidity, pehaps even the bullheaded stupidity of your background. Without it you might very well be in a worse place than you are. You might never have reached the light without it. Your live amongst Mormon surroundings, what you see as their narrowness calls you to be all the more open, all the more vulnerable and honest with yourself. You have seen your truth and your light. They have seen theirs. The agnosticism of mystic life requires that you see and support what is good and light, bathe your surroundings in the truth you have glimpsed, and go forward, invisible, like a dervish, among those whose eyes are filled with dust. Your family loves you, but they may not understand what love implies – freedom. You cannot tell them, you cannot even show them, but you can create the open space for them to experience it. You refer to yourself as hindu in your profile, so I will assume you understand the concept of bhakti - divine love. If a firecracker goes off in a small room, it is shocking. If it goes off in the middle of a desert, not even the sparrows are disturbed.

Bhakti is the ability to be the desert despite the tendency to be the room. As your family throws firecrackers, meet these bombs with the expansiveness of divine love, the expansiveness of the dunes of the great desert. Chant the names of the divine to yourself - vishnu, siva, krsna, ganesh three times before you show your reactions. Do not defend yourself, for there is nothing that you own, no self that needs defending. There is only the love, only the beloved. They do not need
to understand you, but they need to feel the vastness of the infinite. You are the vehicle for the experience, your sadhana is to bear their fear in the bosom of the divine, to manifest it internally and trust its incredible power of transformation.

I was drawn to you very strongly when first I saw your profile. You are so similar to people I love dearly, mormon and other, and I hope my long reply is understood in the manner it was intended, with love, with brotherhood and with good cheer.

I remain yours, with deep love and affection, and with nearness of heart and soul,

Mu'id

[The letter that initiated this response]
i was raised in a Mormon Society, this in paticular family caused me
great pain through my childhood, and it still haunts me to this day. it
feels to me that they are akin to conservative-extremism, if that makes
any sense. i left the church at 18, and here i find myself living
amoung them again. why can’t they [my family] have love without
judgement. it pains me to see them live in their closed off world they
make for themselves.